Great Expectations
The holidays are a time of transition. Transition can mean chaos to many of my readers and clients. It feels chaotic to most of us who participate in any of the typical end of year festiveness in the US - Thanksgiving, Hanukkah and Christmas are all capped off by New Year’s Eve. There is a lot of history and religion wrapped into the last 35 days of the calendar year.
For parents and kids, that means lots of planning and change to routines that often keep a family humming like a finely tuned machine. For those adults without little people to account for, there is often scheduled holiday travel, parties to attend, shopping to be had, family celebrations and meals to prepare, and the list may go on… Point being, we are ALL often discombobulated during this last sprint to the new year. We also tend to set great expectations for this time of year(NOW) and may prefer to also focus on the hopefulness of a new year(NOT NOW).
For some, the holidays may bring to the surface a series of anxieties that we hold at bay during more routine times of the year. This blog is for you, my worry warriors.
Let’s reflect on all that comes to the surface for a hot second. Grab a piece of paper or a blank white board and start spitting things out. Here, I’ll get you started with some of the more common ones that I hear or have experienced in my own life:
How do we fill the day with activities that occupy the kids/me/guests?
What if there are meltdowns?
How about all of the food issues?
Sleep schedule? What sleep schedule?
What will we do to survive the long hours in the car?
Do I even have a babysitter that I can call for all of these holiday parties?
Which parties can I avoid? Which are must-gos?
How will I survive the chaos?
So much sitting and minding manners! How ever will I monitor my kids?
I wonder what it would be like if we let go of all of the pressure to perform off key? Let’s face it, the lack of schedules and routines that normally help us keep our s*** together goes out the door if we participate in anything festive. And even if we don’t, we may be dealing with school breaks, work holidays, snow days, etc. We aim too often to hit those high notes and then fall into rumination over our failure to perform under pressure when we sing off key. There are three things I want you to hold onto this season:
Transitions handled masterfully take practice.
Perfection is a myth.
Expectations set too high are a recipe for failure.
Where is the balance? The answer to that question is different for each of us. It is as unique as each member of our family or friend group. You will know when you have set the bar beyond your tolerance (or joy) level when you are stuck in fight-flight-freeze mode. It feels awful being stuck in a cycle of emotion, avoidance, or overwhelm that sucks the joy from what may otherwise be a wonderful opportunity for connecting with the world.
The balance is often in the act of taking a pass on the things that get in the way. Perhaps that means you leave your toddler at home when you go visit the holiday Chihuly exhibit…or you simply plan for all of those “what if” scenarios and lower your expectations to that of your child’s developmental capacity (i.e. - 30 minutes in a stroller vs 1 hour walking through the exhibit). Plan B is real for all ages. Setting an expectation that matches your abilities, preferences, and energy is key to maintaining a little sanity in the busy season.
For parents, this may mean assessing opportunities and schedules and co-creating a plan with your partner or even your kids:
What is a realistic expectation for my child(ren), myself, my spouse, my family?
How can I create a “my child” -friendly environment for us?
How can I help my family cope with changes in the schedule or environment?
What routines act as the glue for us? (i.e. - bedtime stories, familiar extracurricular activities, soothing routines or play items)
When things don’t go as planned, what is our escape plan?
Co-creating lists of activities with your kiddos and spouse can help in times of boredom or stress. Making sure you have the supplies and have set clear expectations around these activities will set everyone up for easier transitions and also create an opportunity for choice and a little bit of novelty.
For grownups, creating space to recharge is ever-important when you know that energy will be tapped by all of the delightful add-ons that are available to your schedule. Pull out that piece of paper again, create a list or mindmap of all of the opportunities that come with the season - parties, family/friend feasts, vacations, holidays, seasonal activities like skiing, etc. Highlight the ones that bring you great excitement and joy. Underline the ones that wreak havoc, are less attractive, or create overwhelm. Now that they are out of your head, let’s create some space for how you handle the ones you cannot avoid and the ones you want to absolutely make space for.
What expectations do you need to set for yourself and the events at hand? I am 100% certain that we ALL have events on our holiday list of opportunities that we either do not have to attend and would rather not add to the pile of “to dos”.
What activities will require time to recover afterward?
Where can you find the space to recharge? Even something like a simple act of taking 3 slow deep breaths in/out can lower that stress level and bring you back to center.
What can you cross off your list RIGHT NOW?
How can I leave myself a few extra minutes before and/or after each event?
What is the worst that could happen if I said “no" thank you” to something?
What is the best outcome for saying yes to a new opportunity that I might enjoy?
How can I maintain the necessary focus and schedule throughout this time? (Hint: it has to do with creating scaffolding around your routines and rituals. Maybe an extra reminder? Maybe an accountability partner?)
Too often, in the rush of today’s fast-paced, always-on world, we create self-talk around the “have tos” and lump some “no thank yous” into that pile by default. I challenge you to take a step back and breathe between each moment. Stopping to assess where your mindset is offers a solid strategy to hit the reset button at any moment. Stores too crowded? Reset: time to call it a day. Church service not working for your active kiddo? Reset: take a break, take a pass, find accommodations that work for them. Santa visit creating a meltdown? Reset: have a parent join in the fun, or perhaps bail and try again next year.
When we step back and assess for the realistic expectations of this time of the year, more often than not, we may decide to take a pass or shift our approach to events, opportunities, and routines. When we (or our children) react negatively to an event, it is a sign that we are unable to meet the expectations set - this could be environmental, emotional, cognitive, or biological. Do we have the energy…yet? Do we have the capacity…yet? Do we have the expected skills…yet? What is the value in staying the course?
Letting go of the myth of perfection often opens an opportunity for moments that are perfect for you, in this moment. I invite you to consider what this time of year truly means for you and what might make the moment feel more authentic for you and your loved ones.
Happy Thanksgiving, America!