My husband and I are part of the “sandwich generation”, and it wasn’t until COVID came a-knockin’ that this felt so much more challenging and stressful. Our parents are all 70-something and at various stages of retirement. They live in rural communities with properties that would take most 40-somethings a good deal of time and energy to manage. Each of our parents has survived at least 1 battle with cancer, some are on round 5+. None of them are in great health, and in the before times we were already starting to work on their “Plan B” alternatives to country living. We also have 3 young men under roof in various stages of launching - all three are in college and the oldest is nearing the end of his undergraduate pursuits. Thankfully, 2 of them are back at school, attending classes virtually while playing baseball in their athletic team bubble. They are somewhat independent, but the pandemic has, at times, created an artificial regression as they navigate these uncertainties and all of the protocols that befall us. Our sandwich, in essence, has been super-sized and slathered in ADHD dressing just to up the ante.

We are not alone in this phase. Many of our friends are navigating parenting children and managing aging parents. The kicker is that many of these Boomer-born elders do not take lightly to being managed, and many of not interested in strictly following quarantine protocols. Managing that spirit during a global pandemic cultivates a newer level of stress, one that is uncertain in its longevity and depth. We tried managing grocery store orders for them, only to discover my mother would slip into her local Wal-Mart for diet cokes or some mystery ingredient that she needed “that very day”. At some point, I had to let go of the worry over what I cannot control. I essentially removed that layer of bread every now and again, for my own consumption requirements. Some days, that layer of stress was too much to bear. We can extend the help, but we cannot make someone take it. That does not take away the worry, but acknowledging that we cannot control for independent streaks might help.

Inside these times, both sets of parents have been admitted to hospitals for everything from panic attacks to sepsis. We could be with them due to COVID. We could drop them off at the entrance and wait, and the parent who was left at home was not in great spirits during this either. So what does generation sandwich do during these times? As true gen-xers, we buck up and move forward. On a more practical level, Mike and I have leaned on our siblings for help actively managing our parents’ needs and health. We have leaned on one another for those times when morbid humor seems to be all that we have to get us through that moment. We have started death cleaning and organizing our estate so that our own kids are not in similar boats when we are in our 70’s.

COVID Sandwich

The state of navigating the global pandemic for COVID-19 while also living the role of the “Sandwich Generation”; the act of managing elderly parents above age 65 and raising children during a global pandemic.

There was no 75th birthday party for “Nana” (my mom) last November, thanks to a COVID exposure requiring them to self-quarantine on her birthday. Their internet is so abysmal at their house that we couldn’t even give her a proper Zoom party - we are talking AOL dial-up speeds from the early 90s kind of slow. I really wanted something fun for her that day. In response to this lackluster year, we are instead shifting to optimistic future plans: a 4th of July party like no other, celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary, her 75th birthday, my Dad’s 75th birthday, and Independence Day all rolled up into one big event. That “other vitamin C” that Ned Hallowell talks about was exactly what we are looking for. This past year has been lonely for us all, and we are way low on our usual levels of human connection.

The kids have been easier to direct, as they still look to us for guidance when life is this uncertain. It’s those bigger kids who seem unruly, restless, and in contempt of these COVID protocols. It’s as if the case of Coccoon added in a subplot similar to Outbreak and named it “COVIDCation,” Our parents are not as compliant as our children. Our pandemic narrative for the kids' “making good choices” and managing their health risks has been blunt: “don’t kill the grandparents.” A bit extreme for some, but it adds the urgency that helps our kiddos pause before saying yes to something fun but a little risky, and it breaks my heart each time. They love our parents dearly. We are all longing to return to “normal”, whatever that will look like in the end. We are all starved for connection outside of our home. It is the single reason that I was thrilled that the baseball season, modified as it were, has permitted some sense of reconnection with others for our immediate family. Our youngest remains in his friend bubble as he awaits warmer weather. We are hoping to get my parents to a home game if and when the attendance levels are raised.

For now, we can protect only as much as they will have us, connect as much as we are able, and plan for better days to raise our spirits. Last June, there was a great article in the BBC on the importance of planning: Why making plans helps manage pandemic stress(www.bbc.com, June 2020). Living with uncertainty is stress-inducing. Quarantining for months without an end in sight is abnormal. Having something to look forward to is mission-critical for human mental health. There is no room for black and white thinking or catastrophizing if sanity is paramount. This is where those ADHD humans who rise to the occasion of a crisis don their capes. So, amidst the stress and chaos of pandemic living, ailing parents, and anxious youth, we choose to look forward and plan for a day when we can come together and try not to focus on the fear that our parents may not be there to join us.

How are you planning to tackle your COVID Sandwich?