Help with Big Emotions

Preparing to process in an environment that wrecks your or a loved one's nervous system.

You know the feeling: you walk into a room, all eyes turn to you, and not a single face looks familiar in the group. The flushed cheeks, tunnel vision, and maybe even a change in auditory processing. 

If you’re an adult, you don’t have the option to turn around and throw your hands up or to be picked up to help coregulate the overwhelm- so what can you do? 

And what if you’re the adult to a little person feeling overwhelmed- how can you help kiddos work through those big emotions?

Preparing to process is simply that. You do some upfront legwork to keep yourself, or your kiddo, functioning at the time of exposure. 

For an event with a group of people, this might include previewing who would be attending, finding their social media handles, and turning them into people instead of unknowns. Do they have pets? Anything in common? Something distinguishing about their faces? With holidays, chances are you have met a lot of the family present at least one other time but maybe need to remember names, and this is a good exercise to reacquaint.

Do you have a work function you need to lead? One of the more helpful and easier tips I’ve found was to ensure that you are physically comfortable to not add to the potential discomfort of the spotlight. Practice makes progress, so if you have a specific message/speech to deliver or if you need to rehearse any kind of movement, intentionally set aside some time to practice. The more we practice, the stronger our muscle memory becomes.

When we are helping others self-regulate, we are serving as support for their big emotions, and we need to also recognize the impact that we are both feeling from and can provide for others. Visualization exercises before a known event can be incredibly helpful for overwhelmed kiddos, as you can be present to gently recall that vision and how you both discussed supporting them in different scenarios. 

Is your child facing a new social engagement with some trepidation? Social events can be great opportunities to walk through different outcomes with a child in advance. Discussing potential situations or triggers and how they can navigate them provides a neural pathway for successful recall in the moment. It is harder to plan on the fly when faced with big emotions, and sometimes it is hard to recall those plans on your own. Being a calm voice in those moments can help reinforce the preferred course of action. 

For loved ones who need a little help in the self-regulation department, remember that as one of their trusted persons, you are more likely to recognize the clues that indicate they need support. Walking through scenarios in advance allows both of you to discuss how and when they want your assistance, and what would be supportive or harmful concerning helping them weather difficult moments, awkward situations, or occasions where their big emotions may impact their environment. Helping them build confidence and skills in resilience and regulation will lay the foundation for more successful self-regulation into their adult years.

Just remember, everyone has their way of processing through situations. Set yourself up for success by creating a plan that supports the way you need to process. If you’re helping someone else process, ensure they know you are there to tap in for comfort and support.